Ugh. It's been a tough couple of days.
I went out to the Anchor with my roommate Christine yesterday evening for a burger, and it seems like any topic that came up, we argued about. Genetically Modified plants, whether it's okay to talk about going out to bars around a recovering alcoholic friend, housework, whether I actively ignore whatever she tells me. The ground was full of landmines, and we were both stomping around like pissed-off 2-year-olds with new boots.
People scare me so much. There's no safety there. I'll clash eventually, even with people I really like. And it feels so bad.
I'm trying to put myself out there, I honestly am. But, if the results thus far are at all indicative of the future, I don't really see why I bother.
I'm just browsing my friends, and realizing how bizarre a collection they are.
On there are a couple of friends from High School, a guy I used to work with a million years ago, a couple of people I've never met in real life, one I travelled to a different country with.
There're at least three friends I have carried a torch for, and at least a couple who can still make my heart skip a beat to this day.
Oh, and Ron Jeremy. What list is complete without a Porn Actor?!
Oof. Another day at work, and I'm not really ready for it.
This week has been highs and lows all over the place. My boss complimented me the other day, telling me that I'm learning and becoming a better technician. But, also, I've gotten work orders dumped on my head, and they're beginning to pile up.
On the bright side, this is the last week of the current rotation, so after Friday, I'm going to Day shift at Black Bear.
On the not-so-bright side, I've got 35 work orders in my queue, and probably not a lot of those are going to be cleared up in the next two days. Sorry, whoever's following me.
I'm trying hard to find cool people and reach out, but I'm mostly friends with deadbeats, so they can be hard to find. Heh.
I'm trying hard to kill off feelings within me. Desires which are impossible. Unrequieted loves which have been constricting me for too long.
It's hard, thankless, fiddley work. I hope someday it'll be better.
I'm still proud that I told him, though. Probably more proud of that than anything else I've ever done.
I've been having a rough time of things these past few days.
Things have been going positively apeshit at work. I went to see Brokeback Mountain the other night, which was either exactly the wrong thing or exactly the right thing for me to do (more on this in a bit). I ran out of Paxil over the weekend. And, to put a cherry on top of all that, it turns out someone I used to be friends with in High School is a full-fledged queen in Minneapolis now, including dancing shirtless on one of the boxes at the Saloon (!).
I'm not entirely sure why that last bit fucks with me so much. I mean, shit. I knew this person was gay back 14 years ago when I met him. I think part of it is insecurity in myself: He's apparently way better at the whole gay-party-lifestyle than I ever was. Lord knows I've spent some quality time at the Saloon, but mostly drinking Long Island Iced Teas really quickly in an attempt to not, you know, want to die.
It's been tough adjusting to being back in this area. Duluth ain't Chicago. Shit, Duluth ain't Naperville. For a long time, I've resisted making friends here, and going out at all because I was in denial.
One thing Hedwig got wrong is that there's a hell of a difference between a bridge and a wall. And the problem with walls is that they keep me in as much as they keep others out. It's been a year. And I'm lonely. And Gena can't be my entire social network. So, I've started reaching out. Actually trying to trust people. It's risky, but what choice do I have? Here's to hoping I've trusted the right people.
is gorgeous. Beautiful. Stunning. And very, very sad.
But any movie that can get me to care about Heath Ledger is fine by me. :-)